Müggelsee, Berlin on October 24, 2021, Distance: 21km | Time: 1:41:18 | Video
What was the most important:
– external goal and tight deadline helped me to accustomed to harsh reality of post-sabbatical work-life in-balance 😉
– re-experiencing lessons learned during Vipassanā Meditation retreat.
October 24 cought me by surprise:
I saw the advertisements about this event since September in the park and wanted to offer to Łukasz that we run this year again, but I did not have mental capacity to plan it, because I was busy with integration of my last Holotrpic Workshop in Biłgoraj. When I was visiting my girlfriend between 15-18 of October, I thought about the event again, but I was sure it was too late to register. I was not thinking to run rather indulge in pleasure of intimacy ;). Łukasz called me on Sunday eventing 17 of October and said that we still can register on the site day before the event. I was hesitating, because I had an impression it was too little time to prepare, I was a bit out of shape and it felt to me like a little stretch to my body and mind, but I agreed because I did not want to miss out on the this kind of event with him.
5 days to prepare:
My last run was in the forest of Biłgoraj on 20 July. I did 17km bear foot through the woods. Afterwards, I started to gym and did not make any single km since that time. I was arriving to Berlin on Tuesday 19 of October. It meant I have only 5 days to prepare for 21 km run. I like physical challenges, but it felt little reckless event to me. Since, I committed I had to start to prepare. My body was not ready to run and it each training session (5-10km) was quite unpleasant. I constantly had thoughts on the back of my head about going beyond my capacities and injuring myself. I was also imagining that I would experience a lot of physical discomfort during the run. There were multiple tragic scenarios playing out in my had each time I was out to run.
FINDING MY OWN PACE:
One thing was important to me that I have learned some time ago, which is to forget external references. I was trying to to pay attention to Łukasz, but rather to listen to my own body and listen to its feedback in order to adjust the speed. I have to give myself a tap on my shoulder for accomplishing this task very well. I let Łukasz run faster and kept steady pace for the whole track. Finding my own rhythm was a strategy to make this experience as “pleasurable” or putting it better I did not want that it would be traumatic.
avoing the suffering:
There was a part of me that was afraid of suffering or possibility of crossing my limits and injuring myself. I did not want to get hurt in any sense and I wanted to protect my physical and mental integrity. Self-preservation instinct is a good thing, but it can be sometimes overprotective and prevent you from exceeding your limits and growth. The right amount of self-preservation is needed to survive, but sometimes it is needed to suppress it, if you want to check, if the pain your mind anticipates, is really going to be so intense. The mind imagines, how it is going to be based on passed experiences. If the pass was traumatic, one projects that the future will be also unpleasant. If the past was perfect, the mind projects perfect future, but it is disappointed when the reality does not meet the expectations. During this run I was noticing constantly how my mind was jumping to the future moment and trying to anticipate the intense pain I would feel on KM#11, exhaustion, feeling of impotence or that I would injure my knee, ankle or feet. I reflected that I did it all the time. When I wake up I already judge how my day will go based on how well or unwell I slept. I am anticipate already difficulties in my future job, based on my past experience. I foresee how bad my relationship will end up and how hurtful it will be based on the my parent’s experience. Instead of focusing on current step, my mind is already thinking about end negative end result.
I recalled my experience of Vipassanā and was trying to draw my attention to sensations in my body instead of thinking about the future as it is thought in the 10-days silence retreat. It was not easy because the mind was jumping forward constantly, but I kept trying to come back to what was happening in my body in this particular moment. I was checking how tiered I am and how my legs felt. The pain was coming and going like waves and I was closed with each step to the finish line.
Km#11:
At some point I reached the KM#11 that supposedly should had been really unpleasant, but it turned our that it was the best part of the run. I felt energised and strong, because my body was warmed up. My expectations were completely not met. I was awaiting pain, sour muscles and lack of energy, but I encountered feeing of power and experienced flow.
External Goal:
I have not been working since, already long time and I was only giving myself some random tasks with no real deadline. Since my sabbatical year is getting closer to the end and I need to start to accommodate to fulfilling external expectations. It felt like a first contact with post-sabbatical reality in the field in which I feel comfortable, which is sports. Here big shout to Łukasz taking me on this adventure.