Nightmares came true:
The girl, I really like and opened myself too, dumped me on my birthday, because she was not satisfied with sex. This was something, I was afraid the most in context of relationship. I was constantly fearing of collapsing into depression that I suffered since I was 19 years old and this fear was about to materialise. I suffered serious neck injury that prevented me form practicing Brazilian Ju Jitsu, that I loved and desired to be able to get beck, because it was alleviating symptoms of depression making my existence bearable. New flatmate was very hostile, but anyway I had to find new flat in Berlin, which was close to imposible due to lack of available apartments. My job sucked, because I was underperforming and I was threatened to be fired, as a consequence of not integrated psychedelic experience with plant medicine. This experiences were big chunk of my survival and self exploration strategy, but It was now obvious that this strategy was not going to solve al my problems through miraculous miracle. It felt that I was in very difficult situation and that was true from subjective point of view. I was very confused, felt frustrated, hopeless & tiered. I lacked clear vision and abilities to take care of my self. I felt I sucked and I was not in the place where I want to be in life. I was afraid to start to do anything, because I wanted to avoid mistakes. I was tiered and exhausted after fighting to survive for long time and did not see the end of my suffering.
Surrender:
I decided to give up and collapse my depression. I said to myself, fuck it I cannot and I want to die. I spent 3 days in my bed recalling all the times of my life when I was depressed for periods of 3-6 months and I was not able to do anything anything related to my work or care about my physical and mental help.
glimmer of hope:
After 3 days in bed, I felt my mood started to bounce back and I started to believe that my brain has the capacity to recover my mood, when I will give it a room for unpleasant emotions and fear related to depression. It was the moment I knew I recovered from depression. I can hold my own suffering and go through it with out collapsing completely. At the end it was my second year of therapy and I had several sessions with plant medicine. It could be a compound effect of those two things. I felt healthy and free from depression after 15 years full of episodes for the first time in life.
Problems left:
My unresolved problems were there and another plant medicine weekend in Brandenburg or 11 day fast would not help. I realised that I needed to get my hands dirty and start to deal with pending staff, but I did not where to start and how to do it. Task seamed to be almost impossible to resolve from the perspective I had then. I was feeling very incompetent and even did not know what I do not know or need to improve my life. I lacked clarity and I felt lost.
The origin of vision quest:
Confusion, frustration, anger and hope were the womb to Vision Quest, but I did not call it like this, because I did not know then it created itself.
