I’ve never understood fear. When my grandmother died, back in 1998, I was scared. I guess it was the first time I faced death of someone close to me. For the first time I realized that death doesn’t exist only in stories and movies, but in fact, is very real. As I was still a kid, I thought my fear at that moment was childish and I just needed to grow up.
Since then, I always avoided thinking about tragic things that could happen to anyone I know. I preferred death to stay in the place it belonged to – in a history, stories of others, and movie plots. As much as I loved my grandma and as much illogical it might have seemed to be, my mind didn’t want to think about her. The reason was simple – she died and this fact was scaring me.
The thing is that sweeping your fears, doubts, or insecurities under the carpet neither makes them disappear, nor helps you deal with them. They still live deep inside your head and come back in the least expected moments. Death may be an extreme example. Still, there are thousands of other things that each of us fear and that might scare you the same, or even worse.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of being worse than others.
Fear of injustice.
Fear of other people.
Being free of fears is something we constantly strive for. Yet the truth is – you can’t really kill your fears. Because they are nothing external. They are no different than hundred other thoughts you might have at this single moment. You just feel them differently. And both you and I don’t like this feeling. But these emotions are part of us, there’s no sense to fight them. In fact, you can’t defeat them without defeating yourself.
Today I don’t try to run away from everything that scares me. I face it instead. I changed the relationship with my fears, therefore with myself. And that’s beautiful. I look at my constant self-doubt, my scariest fears, and permanent insecurities as they were an important part of me. I let them scare me more, and I follow my emotions so I can clearly see where they are going to bring me.
In this sense, what I fear is who I am.